


Batfamily Confessional

by QueenVictoria88



Category: Batman (Comics), The Office (US)
Genre: Alfred Pennyworth is the Best, Barbara Gordon is Batgirl, Bruce Wayne is Batman, Damian Wayne is Robin, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Gen, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Minor Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake is Red Robin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 03:47:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14926529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenVictoria88/pseuds/QueenVictoria88
Summary: Tim gets a camera for Christmas and the Batfamily find themselves living life like the cast of the Office.





	Batfamily Confessional

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly in character, but since it's a whole parody it strays out character. I really hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Batfamily-Confessional

One Christmas morning Tim receives a camera from Dick. As he begins to use it, he swears up and down it’ll be for his own personal research and he’ll keep what he records under wraps. After there is some pushback from the rest of the family, Tim agrees that after 90 days, he’ll burn whatever he records; and they can watch him do it for proof if they want. This pacifies them, but still for the first three months, no one wants to be around him. Therefore he sets out in stealth.

Tim enters the cave from the back way. Skulking silently up to a discussion between Bruce and Dick. He zooms in from behind a rock formation. Dick dressed as Nightwing is standing pleading his case next to Bruce, dressed as Batman cowl off, who is in the Batcomputer chair.

“I said no.”

“But if Penguin is really running things you could send me in. It could be a sting operation.”

“No, Dick. That is unnecessary.”

“You say that now—”

“This isn’t up for discussion. Stop trying to pretend you don’t have an ulterior motive for wanting to inspect that club.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about?”

“I’m sure.”

“Bruce, you know me. The job is what’s important.”

“And I suppose the fact that there are half naked women entertaining inside has nothing to do with it?”

“Well—”

“Shh! Wait.”

Bruce turns toward’s the camera’s direction.

“Tim! I better not see that damn camera!”

“Shi—*BLEEP*

Cut to Jason and Damian on the couch playing a violent video game. They don’t know Tim is set up behind them pretending to study while drinking his coffee. The camera zooms in on the TV screen to show a split screen in first person POV of a battle field.

“Why can’t I just kill him?”

“You can, buy he’s on our team so that’d be stupid.”

“Not if I’m the best and he’s just slowing us down, Todd!”

“I mean, if he’s really not performing then do it, but make sure it’s honorable. No shots to the back.”

“No. Skull shot for sure.”

“Yeah, but wait till you’re back at the base and he doesn’t see it coming.”

“Oh, yeah! That’ll be good!”

The camera flips to Tim’s disturbed and concerned look on his face.

 

Cut to a shot into a mirror that is in the hallway. The angle is just right so you can’t see the camera in the shot, but you can see straight into Dick’s room. He’s in a headstand while Barbara is sitting Indian style on his bed with a binder in her lap and a stop watch in her hand.

“Okay. Now, you have to beat 6 seconds. Give me every enemy in alphabetical order from three years ago. GO!”

“Bane. Black Mask, Hugo Strange, Joker, Mad Hatter, Man-Bat, Mr. Freeze, Penguin, Poison Ivy, Riddler, Scarecrow, Two-Face, Ventriloquist.”

“Stop! 6.52. Almost”

“WHAT?! No way!”

“Way. And your face is getting red again.”

“Come on, reset the timer.”

“Dick! I want a turn. You’re always the one who gets to test yourself!”

“I need to make sure I can think like this just as fast as I do right-side up!”

“Well SO DO I!” She pushes Dick with her foot and he falls over. Tim is heard snickering into the camera

 

Cut to an angle low to the ground as if Tim is hiding behind furniture. Alfred is seen sweeping the floor and occasionally using the broom as a dance partner as he hums.

Cuts to the angle from before in the cave. Bruce is again in the chair at the Batcomputer and Selina is walking up behind him with a cup of coffee.

“How much longer till you find him?”

“I’m not going to be able to find him on here. The software needs an update. I’ll have to reprogram it.”

“Okay. Anything I can help with?”

“No.”

“Or….anything I can assist with? Maybe help you relax?” She starts massaging his neck.

“Mmmm”

The camera flips to Tim who makes an awkward/surprised face at hearing Bruce moaning in delight to the massage. In the background Selina can be heard urging Bruce to take a break so Tim flips the view back to Selina who is now whispering in his ear.

“No. Not now……..Sel… Okay.”

They get up and leave the cave together. Tim flips the camera back and gives a thumbs up with a big grin.

Cut to shot on the level of the floor of the training room. Tim is seen running drills against a weighted dummy. He’s using his staff as he’s practicing moves. Then four furry legs walk past the camera and a big black wet nose comes onto the screen. All you can hear are sniffing noises until a tongue comes and wipes across the lens.

“No! Ace! Bad dog! Stop! It’s not food! Aw…buddy.”

Cut

Three month have come and they have a family meeting because it’s time for Tim to burn the evidence. He complies so everyone starts to relax and ignore the camera. It’s a small device so Tim finds a way to safely attach it to his uniform to take it out on patrol. Then he sets up a small recording booth in the back of the cave so that it is out of sight from Bruce. It becomes quite elaborate with decent lighting and sound proof walls for those outside the booth.

Shot opens to Tim’s perspective as he’s running across a roof behind Nightwing. They’re roof hopping with ease, you see them both jump three times and land perfectly. They come up to another jump and Nightwing misses the adjacent ledge and he drops out of the shot. You hear Tim exclaim an “oh Shi—*bleep* as he lands fine and then you see his perspective immediately leaning over the edge. Nightwing hits a fire escape and briefly flails around till he flips himself back into a graceful decent and then he shoots a grappling hook back to Tim’s level.

“Haha. That was smooth.”

“Shut it!” Nightwing’s hand palms the camera

Cuts to angle once again from Tim’s POV. He’s watching Batgirl beat up a guy who then pushes her back into a fence. He lifts a heavy rock and attempts to attack her with it, but he drops it on himself and falls to the ground unconscious. Batgirl is frozen with her fist up about to punch. She turns towards Tim looking confused. Batgirl cuffs the man and then stares at the camera. She shrugs. There’s an awkward pause.

“A win’s a win, right Batgirl?”

She saunters over towards Tim almost skipping. “Ha! And that’s how it’s done.”

“Heh.”

Cut to Damian opposite a large criminal. The guy is blocking Damian’s hits and the two are going at it because he is twice Damian’s size and Damian is almost ineffective. All of a sudden, a shot is fired and the man drops to the ground. The camera pans in the direction of the shot. Red Hood Is seen standing on the roof, gun in hand.

“Come on, demon spawn, you’re taking too damn long.”

Damian kicks the guy in the head. “DAMN IT RED HOOD! GET BACK HERE! I HAD HIM, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU, TODD!!!!”

“Hah. did you just get that?”

“Yeah, Dick. I got it!” Camera pans away from Robin chasing Red Hood to Nightwing leaning up against a wall looking bored. Food appears out of nowhere in his hand.

“How much do you want to bet I can fit this whole hot dog in my mouth?”

“Where the hell did you get a hot dog? I want one?”

 

Batgirl takes the camera off of Red Robin’s uniform and attaches it to her own. Cuts to Red Robin, Nightwing and Red Hood in a Starbucks parking lot.

“SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS!”

“Two more and that’s $100 for me, come on Timbo!”

“Dick, he’s going to kill himself with espresso and all you care about is a bet with Jason?”

“SHOTS! Hey, he bet us he could do this… don’t be putting us down for accepting a bet”

“GAH!!! I can’t take anymore!”

“One more, come on!”

“I hope he vomits.”

“He’s going to get the shakes again like that last time at Arkham.”

“Shut up Batgirl! We said we’d never speak of that night!”

“Then stop taking espresso shots! UGH! BOYS, I swear!”

“Yeah!!!! You owe me $100 bucks!”

“Aw, damnit.”

“I really am going to vomit.”

Cut to Red Hood on a skate board being pulled by a rope attached to Nightwing’s batcycle. They ride into a crowd of thugs and between Nightwing on the cycle and Jason on the skateboard they easily take out the entire group in seconds.

*Clapping*

*Yahoo!*

“I TOLD YOU THAT WOULD WORK!!! WHOOOO!

“I can’t believe they actually pulled that off!”

“Hey, Batman incoming at twelve o’clock.”

“Shi—*Bleep*

 

Cut to Batman in an alley. Tim is slowly walking up to him. Batman leans up against the wall. He takes out a cookie from his utility belt.

“Chocolate chip?”

Batman pulls out a batarang and raises it in Tim’s direction. “Turn that damn thing off! NOW! I MEAN IT!”

 

Cut to inside the booth back at the cave. Dick is lit up with shadows behind him sitting on a stool. The camera zooms in slowly as he speaks.

“Why did I choose to ignore Batman out there?…. Because sometimes going against Batman when he’s going to end up being his own worst enemy is something that has to be done. But…(camera pans in close) you have to really know him. It hardly ever happens and it’s not something anyone can do. I think the only other person who could pull it off would be…ya know, Clark.

Cut to Barbara standing in the booth. She is zoomed in half way.

“Upset? No…I wasn’t upset with Nightwing. But like it’s been five years and he still jumps in front of me when there’s a guy twice my size! Next time, I think I’ll pants him. Although, the men would laugh, but the women… hmm. I’ll get back to you.

 

Cut to Damian in full Robin costume refusing to sit on the stool. His arms are folded.

“It better be two full hours of your Batcomputer time.”

“Yes. I promise. …. Now answer the question.”

“Hmmm let me think… I SHOULDN’T have to EXPLAIN my actions to an unworthy almost plebeian individual such as yourself! You’re lucky you even get to wear that uniform, DRAKE! This is the most..”

“CUT!”

Cut back to Dick.

“I mean sure he’s a pain in the ass, but he always has his reason’s. He’s—”

“Dick?”

“Yeah?”

“This is boring.”

“Oh, EXCUSE ME!”

Cuts back to Barbara

“No. I’d never pants BATMAN! …or Jason! They don’t handle awkward well. … Did you ever notice that? Jason does this thing when things get awkward where he stutters…and sometimes I push him to see how long it will take him to get back to full sentences. …(camera zooms in close to her face) Usually he just curses me off and gives up. …Heh…he’s a fun time…”

Cut to Jason, helmet on standing there in silence. Almost a minute goes by. He lifts his gun up towards the camera and pretends to shoot.

“Bang. …Wouldn’t even know what hit you. It’s that fast.”

“Jason?”

Jason lowers the gun slowly still standing there staring.

“Jason, are you going to answer the question?”

“How does it feel to come back from the dead?”

“OH MY GOD, No!…CUT!”

 

Cut back to Damian holding a knife.

“I could kill you with a knife at least twelve different ways. First, I’d—“

“Damian.”

“What?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t, uh, give your “secrets” away…”

“That’s a stupid concern, Drake. Even with this information you’d still be ineffective against me.”

*LOUD SIGH*

 

Cuts back to Jason

“FINE! Man Tim! You don’t have a sense of what good film looks like, do you? No idea what real drama requires. Maybe Dick should be behind the camera?”

“Jason. Get back to my question.”

“Okay. Anyway I shot at Damian again because he pissed me off. Always talking Shi—*BLEEP* I thought he could be brought down a few pegs if I shot near him and he screamed like a girl out of surprise. Guess what, it worked! Just like a little hyena!”

“Mmhm, and where’s the gun now? (Jason dead stares into the camera) Ja—”

“Batman threw a batarang in the barrel. (zooms in) He’s always F—*BLEEP—ng* doing that!”

 

Cut to Dick the camera zooms in close as Tim speaks.

“StarFire was upset you didn’t stay out and fight with her.”

“I did stay out, just not where she was fighting.”

“She thinks you’re avoiding her.”

“No. I just had somewhere else to be. …Why is she talking to you?”

“People talk to me.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing.”

“Starfire just asked you about me and you just stood there?”

(camera zooms out) “Um… Tell me about growing up as an acrobat in the circus?”

“Uh huh, after you tell me what you said to my Ex and maybe I don’t beat the crap out of you.”

“You sound like Jason.”

“Yeah? Well, he learned it from me. …Drake?” Dick starts to walk towards the camera with a glare like Bruce.

“CUT!”

 

Cuts to Jason he still has his helmet on, but the camera is at a strange angle because Tim is holding it. Jason keeps trying to reach for it so the shot is dancing back and forth between Jason’s body and the room as Tim keeps pulling it out of his grasp.

“No, I have seen a lot of film and that shot wouldn’t make this more exciting.

“But just try it. Like up close and personal.”

“No.”

Cut to the camera panning in on an upward angle to Jason who is squatting into the shot.

“Now, let me tell you about dying.”

“CUT!”

“What?!”

“WE’RE NOT DOING THIS! How many times do I have to tell you?”

“Why not?”

 

Batman had been angry whenever he saw the camera, but mostly he left Tim alone up until he discovered Alfred was missing.

Shot is on Alfred who is smiling.

“Of course! Master Bruce likes his underwear ironed—”

The shot gets interrupted as the outside light is let in and Alfred and the camera turn to see Batman coming in.

“Oh, Master Bruce.”

“What the hell are you doing in here? I’ve been calling you for twenty minutes?”

“I am terribly sorry, Sir, the boy—”

“Tim! Why is Alfred in here?”

“Uh… He’s just talking.”

“No, he’s not. And I’m not leaving without that tape.”

“But…”

“Tim.”

(Batman is walking towards the camera as Tim is speaking quickly)

“Before I give it to you, how does it feel when you give the Vengeance of the Night speech and they don’t react? Like have they ever just laughed at you?”

“Enough. Come on.”

“Has that happened?”

“No.”

“Never? Come on, you can tell me. You’re going to burn the tape.”

(Long pause as Batman stands there staring at Tim.)

“Fine. Of course it has.”

“What did you do?”

“I hit them harder.”

Batman pulls the camera off of Tim and the shot is now looking straight up his face as he’s holding it by his stomach.

“Where is the off button? (The shot is now up his nose as he has brought it closer to his face.) Here.”

The camera is lowered to the ground as it is still on and all you see are Batman and Tim’s shoes.

“Alfred, will you please go assist Dick with a head wound on Jason. He’s being ornery and keeps insisting that the stitches will effect *ahem* his film debut.

“Right away, Master Bruce.”

“…but he never takes off his helmet?”

“He says he will once the mystery has been played out. Calls it his “big reveal.”

The camera gets handed back to Tim as we see the shot go from their shoes to Tim’s chest.

“Come on. Just try it, once.”

“No!”

 

Cut to Bruce propped up against the stool arms folded face scrunched in a scowl.

“What is suppose to happen?”

“You just talk.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s interesting.”

“Doubtful.”

“No, it is, see because finally getting you in here, Damian is making a lot of sense.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re a lot alike.”

“Well he’s my son…*clears throat quickly* He’s one of my sons.”

“Mmhm.”

Bruce looks away for a moment

“I’ve adopted you three, but he’s the only one who calls me Father.”

“Oh snap! This is getting real.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing. Well we all had parents so…”

“I’m not saying you should, I’m just explaining why it may seem like we’re closer.”

“Or why he’s your favorite.”

Bruce makes a face.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Clark did.”

“When?”

“A while back.”

“What were his exact words? You probably heard him wrong.”

“He said “because Bruce favors the boy.”

“He called me Bruce? How long ago?”

“Like a week or so… NO! No. It was two weeks ago.”

Pause.

“What?”

“That must have been after Damian blew up the control panel at the League. I told them I would pay for it, but they wanted to ban him from using his sword. I uh…”

“Go on.”

“I argued that he should still use it.”

“You argued with the Justice League… what a surrrrprisseee”

“I told them I spoke to Damian! That’s probably why Clark said that, he was the most upset.”

“Why?”

“Because to get to the control panel the sword had to go through Superman’s chair right by his head.”

“Bruce…”

“Tim, I have four of you, accidents happen! Clark doesn’t have kids yet, he doesn’t know!”

“If that’s what you told them, no wonder they were mad.”

 

Cut to Dick and Jason in the booth dressed in old clothes from a thrift store like 1920’s outfits and hats. They have fake mustaches and fake pipes and Dick even has a monocle eye

“I do say old chap. The buzz down at the precinct is that Sherlock has been unreachable this past week.”

“Bloody hell, how can we run a proper detective agency like this, old chap?”

The light from the outside comes in and they both turn to see Barbara.

“I do say, Cheerio Miss Gordon!”

“Hey, Sherlocks. Alfred said it’s time for dinner and Tim wants his camera back or he’s going to cut the nipples out of your costumes.”

“Damn! That’s so savage.”

Dick walking up to the camera as Barbara answers Jason.

“Well… I might have given him the idea.”

Cut to Bruce at the kitchen table reading the news paper and drinking his coffee. He is sitting in the corner of the room next to a trashcan. Damian sneaks into the kitchen and gives Tim a thumbs up. The camera pans to Jason at the other doorway and he gives a nod. Bruce takes a sip of his coffee and then places the cup down. Damian quietly runs over and switches the mug of coffee to a mug of cottage cheese. Bruce lifts the mug and pretends he’s about to drink it. Right as he does Jason goes in and moves the trashcan.

“Ah, nice try, but I heard you Damian.”

Bruce goes to dump the mug filled with cottage cheese in the trashcan and it spills all over the floor. Just then Alfred walks in.

“Master Bruce! Is it your desire to make my job as difficult as possible?!”

“Alfred, I—“ Bruce stands and glares at the boys.

“RUN!”

 

The computer screen goes black. Tim gets up from the computer. As everyone behind him is laughing.

“Wow, that was—” Jason gets cut off.

“Bruce is going to kill you when he finds out you’ve uploaded all the footage. Like actually kill you.” Dick says as he finishes his drink.

“And why’d you bleep all the cursing out?” Jason had his arms folded as he stood in the back.

“You never let me finish! Not that anyone is going to watch a film made by you.” Damian was looking displeased sitting next to Dick.

“Tim, you need to delete that now! Dick is right.” Barbara was eating string cheese on the other end of the couch.

“Hey, I’m on to you, Red!” Dick said remembering what he just watched.

“Yea, Barbara…what the hell?” Jason chimed in.

She ignored them both. “Is that all there is?”

Tim looked at her and then to Jason. “Well… yeah.” He said bitterly.

Dick wasn’t convinced, “How do we know?”

Tim opens up another file on his computer to project onto the screen. A video of Jason pops up. He’s rigged the camera to something high. It starts and you see Jason flipping around shooting his guns for about forty seconds and then suddenly a shot ricochets and hits the camera and the screen goes black.

“Oh Jason…” Barbara says flatly

“Yeah… I’ll have Bruce pay you back for the camera, Timbo.” Jason sheepishly admits.

There’s a collective sigh.

The End


End file.
